SPOILER ALERT: The Truth About Santy Claus

December 10, 2009 / Posted by:

For those of you who don’t know (this one goes out to you, Jessica Simpson), Santy Claus is simply a figment of the world’s collective imagination and he does not exist in real life. You can thank UsWeekly for shitting on your holidays. Actually, you can thank the Gosselin kids, because they are destroying Christmas for everyone! Bars and crack houses will be overflowing with 4-year-olds this holiday season because of the Gosselins.

Aunt Jodi’s vengeful lips, I mean, “a source” tells UsWeekly, “They don’t believe in Santa Claus. Mady and Cara ruined it for the sextuplets and told them a few years ago that Santa wasn’t real, and that their presents come from Mommy and Daddy. The sextuplets are the ones at school who tell the other kids there’s no Santa Claus.”

It happens. Sooner or later we all must find out that the truly beautiful things in life are actually made out of lie-coated lies. Examples: The Easter Bunny, unicorns, Jamie Lee-Curtis’ penis, Jenkem and Ambien sex.

Since we’re on the subject, let’s pass the dildo around and share our stories about how we found out that Santa Claus is a fake. I found out when I was about seven. Like most spoiled nasty brats, my sister and I would always search the house for our Christmas presents from my mom. The night before Christmas, my mom went out after dinner. We knew something in the egg nog wasn’t clean, so we hid in the garage to wait for her to return. When she returned, we watched her unload 2 scooters out of the trunk. We also busted out of there when she spotted us trying to be slick. She knew that we knew about the scooters.

On Christmas morning, we got up at the break of dawn as usual and headed to the tree. Waiting for us were the two scooters with a card attached that read, “From Santa Claus.” She wasn’t even trying anymore. The card really should have read, “You brought this upon yourself! F U! Love, Santy

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