Rachel Uchitel’s Trout Lips Are Sealed For Now

December 3, 2009 / Posted by:

Gloria Allgreen (you know, because she loves money) has the closed the curtain on the planned press conference Tiger Woods’ #1 mistress was supposed to give this afternoon. Rachel Uchitel was going to tell all, but she has suddenly changed her mine. Radar says that the reason why Rachel canceled the press conference is because she’s trying to get Tiger to stuff a $1 million check into her mouth hole. Cash got her tongue.

A source says that Rachel has been negotiating a $1 million payoff with Tiger’s people. Rachel would have queefed that money goodbye if she went through with the press conference. Speaking of payoffs….

The Daily Beast says that Tiger is not only trying to put a little hush money under Rachel’s pillow, but he’s also waving cash in front of his wife’s eyes to get her to stay. According to them, Elin’s current prenup states that she will get $20 million after 10 years of marriage. But since Tiger’s dick has jumped into someone else’s vagina, Elin wants the prenup to be rewritten.

The source claims that Tiger is willing to add $55 million to the prenup. Also, if Elin agrees to stay, Tiger will immediately transfer $5 million into her personal account. So if Elin signs a nondisclosure and plays the perfect wife and mother for the next 7 years, she will be able to skip away from the marriage with $80 million in her pocket.

Tiger’s advisers have told him to do whatever it takes to save his marriage so that his sponsors won’t dump him too.

The gold diggers of the world have just proclaimed Elin as their new GODDESS! Get on your knees and worship her!

You know, for Tiger’s sake, I hope he had some “eyelash singing” orgasms with his mistress whores, because that shit could cost him $81 million.

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