Rachel Uchitel, the first mistress whore in the Ballad of Tiger Woods’ Wandering Penis, will hold a press conference today with famewhore lawyer Gloria Allred. Rachel will most likely come clean about having an affair with Tiger. TMZ says that Rachel initially lied about fucking with Tiger on the down low, because she wanted to protect him. When the National Enquirer first broke the story, Rachel put on her black bob wig and became the Queen of Denial. But now Rachel is ready to admit that she’s been carrying on with Tiger for some time now.
Hopefully, NeNe Leakes from The Real Broke Housewives of Atlanta will be on hand to tell Rachel to “close her legs to married men, trash box.” When you hear those words from NeNe, that means you’re officially a member of The Homewreckers Club and President Sienna Miller will be sending you a welcome package (containing a pre-paid cell phone, a list of all motels that charge by the hour and a voice changer) in the mail very soon. And THERE’S MORE!
TMZ also says that a text message from Rachel is what started the fight between Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren. A source told them that about an hour before Tiger savagely murdered a sad fire hydrant, he was text messaging with Rachel. Elin caught him in the act, grabbed his phone and called Rachel to verbally beat her ass with a 5 iron. This led to Tiger and Elin getting into it. After all was said and done, Tiger’s phone was broken and there was damage to his entryway. This is why Tiger didn’t let the officers into his house for questioning. Tiger didn’t want them to see that Elin pulled a Naomi Campbell by busting walls and lamps with a Blackberry. Elin is not the one. Really. She isn’t.
Tiger really needs more people, because who the hell texts with their mistress whore while their wife is in the next room?! That’s what a trip to the store “to get milk” is for. Tiger must as well have beat himself with the golf club, because bitch had it coming.
And this press conference is going to be a wreck! Rachel thinks she’s the next Jessica Hahn. BITCH DON’T! Jessica Hahn was classy enough to tell her side of the story to PLAYBOY. That’s how real hos do it.