Tiger Woods Would Like To Apologize For His “Transgressions”

December 2, 2009 / Posted by:

Just when I was hitting “publish” on my 10,678,978th Tiger Woods post of the week, he released a loooooonger than long statement on his website. The statement is so damn long that when you finish reading it, you’ll feel like Elin just busted you in the skull with an iron. Get an ice pack ready and read if you care:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. Blah…blah…blah…blah...

What’s with all the damn words?! If you’re going to talk, just be blunt. Tiger should’ve just issued a simple statement like: “I fucked some hos on the side. So if you see Elin smelling my crotch when I come home, you now know why. Now get off my dick (except for the cocktail waitresses out there) and leave me alone.

End scene.

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