But What Does Suri Get?!

December 2, 2009 / Posted by:

In the new issue of OK! Magazine, they claim Stepford Katie has agreed to get sexy with a turkey baster filled with L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm as long as Tommy Girl puts $75 million in her piggy bank. Yeah, I don’t know why the Scientology scientists have yet to find a way for Tommy Girl to carry his own spawn. I mean, he has the tits for it. But whatever.

According to some source, Stepford Katie plans to give Tommy a Scientology golden child sometime next year. The source went on to say a bunch of shit that really doesn’t make sense, “She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again. She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.

No, what’s important is that he’s giving her $75 million so that one day she can cleanse herself of his craziness in a tub full of liquid gold. You know what else is important? The fact that Suri isn’t even mentioned in this article! Suri is the one who is sacrificing the most!

A baby will disturb Suri’s beauty sleep, gnaw on her prized kitten heels, slobber all over her favorite lipsticks and steal from her stash of booze. Suri is the one who should be getting $75 million, because a stupid baby is going to RUIN HER LIFE!

P.S. – Nicole Kidman needs to stop. We don’t care that the burrito she ate is giving her the farts.

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