We’ve All Had An Affair With Tiger Woods

December 1, 2009 / Posted by:

When it rains whores, it pours whores. Rachel Uchitel can kindly step out of the spotlight now, because there’s a new trick on the scene. A 24-year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress (aren’t they all?) has run off to UsWeekly to queef to them about her 31-month long affair with Tiger Woods.

Before you laugh at her, you should know that she was a part of Vh1’s Tool Academy (her boyfriend was the one who looked like Blake Lewis on growth hormones). She is educated! Educated people do not tell lies!

The aptly named Jaimee Grubbs swears that she has over 300 sexy texts, voicemails and pictures from Tiger which proves that they did it on the down low. Jaimee says they started boning in April 2007 and they did it exactly 20 times. See, Jaimee really is educated, because she can count.

If this is true, then Tiger gets an F minus in cheating. You never leave a paper trail! You just get in, get off and go to confession to say sorry to Jesus. There’s no texting in cheating!

And somewhere in Florida, Elin Nordegren is polishing her favorite club to get it ready for round two. Tiger better sleep in full body armor tonight.

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