Reese Won’t Give Jakey The Fairytale Wedding He’s Always Dreamed Of

November 30, 2009 / Posted by:

Yesterday afternoon, People Magazine sang from the mountain tops that Jakey had slipped on his favorite tutu (the purple one with pink butterflies on it) and pirouetted out of Reese’s life forever. A few hours later, Reese’s spokesbitch cursed People’s name for fucking with his weekend and a denial was issued. Well, now People is saying that their source swore on a stack of Sexiest Man Alive covers that Reese told her friends they had broken up.

The source added that the two have broken up a few times over the years. The main issue is that Jakey is ready to walk down the aisle with a lace veil over his head and a fancy bouquet in his purdy hands, but Reese is farting on that idea. The source went on to say, “As much as everyone thinks they’re right there, they’re really not near the whole marriage thing. Jake would marry her tomorrow, but Reese doesn’t want to go there yet, even though he would like to. There’s a huge attraction between them, and they’ve becomes a team, partners, but Jake can be a little overbearing at times, and Reese is really happy with life right now. Why screw that up or change a good thing?

Reese could buy a small country with just one of her paychecks, so my guess is that she’s not about to let anyone creep in on her money. Smart move. And Jakey only wants to get married because he wants a reason for bitches to throw glitter (no rice or bird seed for him) at him while he makes his way out of the church. I have a solution.

One of my friends didn’t have a quinceanera, because her mother was in jail at the time (it’s okay to laugh). So when she was in her 20s, she threw herself a belated quinceanera complete with the big white dress, the rhinestone tiara and mariachis. It was a mess, but thankfully there was an open Corona bar.

So my solution is that Jakey should throw himself a belated quince, so he can get the white doves and the choreographed dances he’s been dreaming of. And Reese won’t have to put a wedding ring on her finger. Problem solved!

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