Dreamy’s Heart Stopped Beating (Yes, Dreamy Still Has A Working Heart)

Dreamboat Doherty was forced to cancel a few gigs last month, because he was in the hospital for “exhaustion” and “breathing difficulties.” Well, it seems that his heart was the bitch who had the tireds in a major way, because it grabbed a body pillow and took a long nap!

Dreamy tells NME (via The Sun) that his heart stopped beating and he had to be put on life support. You’re probably peeling yourself off the floor right now after reading that Dreamy still has a semi-working heart. Yeah, we all figured his heart busted out of there a while ago and is sunning its ass cheeks on a beach in Thailand somewhere.

Dreamy explained, “If I hadn’t been on a life support machine I’d have been in Ireland. But my heart stopped. It was a really strange turn of events. Obviously, the doctors’ immediate thought was that it was to do with drugs but it wasn’t – it was some kind of poisoning.

What happened? Well, I don’t know, I don’t remember. At the time I thought I was a taxi driver offering to take everyone to Elephant And Castle. I was running into the walls, making steering wheel signs with my hands. And then I just… stopped. My body just stopped.

I’ve always had a slight dickie heart, I was born with it. I’m fragile in there, you know?”

A DICKIE HEART?!!!? Is it hung? Does it pre-cum alot? Give it my number. It can find it in any stall at any men’s rest stop bathroom from here to Gibraltar.

Dreamy swears he’s not on the wrong stuff, but that “running into the walls” and “making steering wheel signs” behavior is shit my mom’s cat does all the time. And that cat hits the pipe like it’s part of his religion. But whatever you fart, Dreamy.

And really, it’s okay to admit that the picture of Dreamy gave you the drips a little. Yes, the drips are probably your body’s way of cleansing itself of seeing Dreamy in all his gory, but you still got the drips!