For Your Taintertainment

November 23, 2009 / Posted by:

If a high school drama teacher (who works as a dominatrix on the weekends) directed Frankenstein in a musical homage to Paula Abdul’s Cold Hearted Snake video and Showgirls, it might look a little like Glamberace’s performance on the AMAs last night. Glamberace worked overtime to make sure Middle-America covered their children’s eyes with bibles while watching his orgy extravaganza.

You know, I’m all for doing slut shit on prime time TV, but this mess was way too staged. Glamberace was like a hooker giving a handjob to an obese man who smells like cold brisket and algae. He was just going through the motions. It’s like he was thinking, “Okay, now I have to dry face fuck this dude wearing Tommy Girl’s favorite weekend outfit. Okay, now I have to slide over here and pull this chick’s crotch belt. Okay, now I’m going to violently make out with this SamRo-type. Okay, now I’m going to try to outdo JLo’s tumble….” Glamberace’s peen was probably asleep the entire time.

I mean, that kiss was as erotic as a Snuggie. It looked like a gorilla sucking food out of another gorilla’s mouth.

And I really knew his performance wasn’t going well, when my dog lit a fire under my smoke detector so that the blaring sound of the alarm could drown out Glamberace’s “hyena getting DPed” screeches. Judge for yourself:

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