Johnny Depp Will Save Nicolas Cage

ATMs everywhere give Nicolas Cage the side-eye whenever he strolls up, because they know he’s on his way to the poor house. Nicolas’ checking account is coming up short thanks to buying stupid ass crap like real shrunken heads, a $500,000 car and two King Cobras. Nicolas Cage is a walking E! True Hollywood Story: MC Hammer.

Since Nicolas needs a check I was waiting for him to announce that he’s the new Cash4Gold spokeswhore, but he doesn’t have to do that now. With a friend like Johnny Depp, Nicolas doesn’t have to peddle that ass to the highest bidder.

A source told The Daily Express that when Johnny Depp learned that Nicolas owed almost $7 million in unpaid taxes, he stuck his hand out for his old friend. You know, if Johnny Depp offered me a hand, my ass lips would be kissing his palm faster than you could scream, “CALL 911!” I digress.

Johnny feels that he owes Nicolas everything since he’s the reason why he got Nightmare on Elm Street. Nicolas introduced Johnny to his agent and the rest history.

The source went on to say, “Johnny called Nic and basically told him not to worry and he’d help him and sort everything out. Johnny feels he owes his career to Nic and now wants to repay him – if Nic agrees. Johnny has never forgotten what Nic did for him.”

Johnny Depp is a wonderful man with a penis of gold, but he needs to put his checkbook away. Nicolas Cage did this shit to himself by buying useless crap like King Tut’s nutsack and Cleopatra’s clit. It’s called EBAY, Nicolas! Shit, I’m sure Nicolas’ own son, Kal-El Coppola Cage, would give him a few million dollars to legally change his name to something that doesn’t make people shake their heads out of pity.