Because We Haven’t Been Punished Enough

Besides a firing squad full of shooters with Tourettes, the only thing missing from the nauseating never-ending Gosselin soap opera has been a sex tape. Personally, I was hoping a sex tape featuring Aunt Jodi and Kate Gosselin’s rabid possum hair would leak first, but Jon Gosselin has beat them to the barf. According to the National Enquirer, Jon’s bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has seen a fuck tape starring the Stay Puft Douchebag and some ho that was rented from Craigslist. Thomas died seven days later. NO, he’s still alive and he’s apparently going to testify in TLC’s lawsuit against Jon.

Stephanie Santoro, a former Gosselin nanny and one of Jon’s fuck friends, said that Thomas told her about the sex tape, “Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

If this is true, then whoever recorded that mess needs to be thrown into the chokey for the rest of their life. That is mass murder in the first degree. Imagine all the eye balls and stomachs that will die a slow death while watching Jon ram his soggy fish stick peen into some hooker’s vag. All of us will suddenly develop an allergic reaction to dough.

Although, the ones that don’t become a member of the American Foundation for the Blind after watching Jon’s sex tape can use it to improve their gag reflex.