Make sure to avert your eyes when you get to the checkout counter at the grocery store this week unless you’re okay with being violated by a St. Angie ORGY! It must be “Shit On St. Angie Week,” because she is on the cover of almost all the tabloids this week. Was Balloon Boy or the Gosselins’ gardener not available for interviews? DAMN. To quote the wisest woman on reality TV, Zoila from Flipping Out: “YOU CRAZY JEFF!”
Anytheywillallgotohellforthis, let’s see what the tabloids have to say:
UsWeekly says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): If you replaced Angie with Alexis Carrington and Aniston with Krystle Carrington, I would’ve bought hundreds of copies of this shit. Seriously, Aniston & Angie will never be the Alexis & Krystle of this generation! I don’t see them fighting in fountains and slapping each other with their Nolan Miller clutch bags.
OK! says that Angie is adopting a baby without Brad: St. Angie has already picked out a baby friend from Syria, but Brad does not want a different flavor of baby barf landing on his beard. Brad is telling friends that he’s not ready for child #2,345,745. Brad can’t St. Angie from putting together the most powerful child army on the planet, because she’s going to GIT THAT BABEH without him.
The National Enquirer says that Angie fell down because she weighs less than a fetus: Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we found the new spokesperson for Life Alert! According to the Enquirer, St. Angie is 5’7″ and weighs in at 104lbs. After St. Angie collapsed, Brad is worried and wants her to get some help to deal with her “emotional demons.” And I think Brad needs to get help for using the phrase “emotional demons.” Let’s not make that the new over the moon. NO.
Life & Style says that Angie is faker than a porn star’s orgasm: Let me quote Jennifer Aniston’s thoughts on this one: DUH.