JLo’s “Sexy Tape” Is NOT Coming Soon

JLo has farted all over her first ex-husband’s big dream of having a real life after her (his words). Ojani Noa was planning to turn an 11-hour honeymoon tape he made with JLo back in the day into a mockumentary, but a judge has put a stop sign in front of his plans.

JLo’s team of attorneys and Ojani, who represented himself, faced off in court yesterday to battle over the tape which includes footage of JLo waltzing around in panties and getting spanked. The judge ruled in favor of JLo and granted her a temporary restraining order banning any parts of the tape from seeing anyone else’s eyeballs.

Outside of the court, Ojani told the NYDN he was sad. Ojani blamed JLo for RUINING HIS LIFE and keeping him down. Ojani cried, “She is destroying my life. This is another proof of her power and money trying to stop me from moving on with my life. I’m not making any money from these videos. This is about having a closure. It’s my story.”

The movie was going to be about Ojani’s life as a Cuban immigrant. Ojani and the producers were going to use the tape as inspiration and weren’t planning to sell it.

This isn’t Ojani’s first time getting shut down by JLo. Two years ago, JLo stopped him from releasing a tell-all book.

Ojani also believes he got shafted in their divorce settlement since JLo hired a bunk ass attorney to represent him, “I don’t really believe in my (2005) agreement. My lawyer wasn’t a real lawyer, he went to jail.”

It sounds to me like Ojani is angry and confused. You know what’s the best medicine for that? Ojani needs to put on some early Alanis Morrissette, heat up the tip on a pair of tweezers on the stove top, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath and PLUCK AWAY ALL HIS FRUSTRATIONS! Ojani needs to pretend each one of those hairs is JLo and just pluck her out of his life! Maybe he will still feel like shit afterwards, but at least he won’t have two furry landing strips over his eyes anymore.