At a press conference in Fort Collins, CO today, Sheriff Jim Alderden announced that Richard Heene put together the Balloon Boy story as a publicity stunt to get his own reality show. In other oh-so-shocking news, Tommy Girl just farted out a cum bubble.
Sheriff Jim, who will be played in the Balloon Boy TV movie by Wilford Brimley, said that they expect to file several charges against Richard Heene and his wife. The charges will include conspiracy, calling in a fake emergency and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If they are found guilty of all charges, they could face up to six years in the clink and a fine of $500,000. Balloon Boy and his brother won’t be shuffled off to prison since they are barely old enough to wipe their own asses, but Child Protective Services will investigate.
Sheriff Jim said this isn’t so surprising since Richard and his wife met at acting school. Apparently, they spent the past 2 weeks putting together the fourth grade science project known as The Flight of Balloon Boy. The Sheriff also added that Richard Heene’s “education level is only high school … he may be nutty, but he’s not a professor.” DAMN! Richard Heene got Ziiiing-ed by Sheriff Jim.
The Sheriff should also file charges against Richard for wasting everyone’s precious time! Seriously, most of us spent hours glued to the TV watching a stupid ass balloon. We could’ve spent our time doing more important things like licking hard peen, making a Kahlua and Mother’s Cookies milkshake, shaving our pubic bush into the shape of a witch’s hat or hiding in the bushes outside of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper’s apartment building. GUILTY! Throw the Heenes into death row. And by “death row,” I mean the guest room in the Gosselin’s house where they will be forced to watch this video on a loop:
“Does this bra make me look BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY?!” – Richard Heene