According to DNA tests, Keanu Reeves is not the father of four grown-ups after all.
A permanent resident of Crazy Town (Mayor: Claire Cruise) who goes by the name of Karen Sala filed papers claiming that Keanu’s sperm fish humped on her eggs four times. Karen’s kids (no relation) are all adults now, but she was still hitting Keanu up for $150,000 in child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive from November 2006. Karen might have been married to Keanu in her head, but it was never made legal. Keanu still claims that he’s never ever met Karen in real-life. Keanu only agreed to let his peen spit in a cup, so that everyone would know he didn’t knock up that loon.
So this means we’re not going to get a Keanu & Karen Plus Four reality show after all. Booo. It would’ve made my whole
life year month week to see Keanu’s hobo ass pushing around four adults dressed as BABEHS in strollers. Oh, wells.
But wait! Peep that baby bump on Krazy Karen’s chin. Homegirl should get that tested, because there’s a good chance Cameron Diaz is that pimple baby’s father. Get that money, Karen!
In other news, four Canadian adults just changed their last names from Sala to NotASala.