31-year-old Jake Pavelka, who was dumped on The Bachelorette last season, will be the next “Bachelor.” ABC made the announced last night during Dancing with the Fallen Stars. Jake will be the ten millionth piece of broccoli who will pretend to date a group of ladies, then pretend to propose to one, then pretend to have a relationship with her, then pretend to dump her a few months later after their contract ends.
Jake told People that he can’t wait to find “the one,” “I’ve dated some really amazing girls, but I’ve never been successful at finding that one girl. and I saw how the whole thing comes together, the process with Jillian. I saw how the process works and I believe in it. That’s a unique way to meet somebody.”
You know what’s also a unique way to meet somebody, Jake? Stick your peen in a hole and see who licks it. Try it sometime.
And I’m okay with ABC continuing to cast bowls of lukewarm oatmeal as The Bachelor, as long as they also continue to cast crazy bitches who have an endless supply of dresses from the prom section at JcPenney.