Last night, NY Mag’s Vulture did a quick interview with John Mayer which ended in him threatening to butt rape the editor. You know, being sodomized by a douchebag would probably be like getting a colonic, so if John Mayer goes through with his threat, he should charge for that shit. Colonics are expensive (so I’ve heard).
A John Mayer interview is like getting finger banged. Most of the time it’s just annoying and awkward. But sometimes it make your nipples curl and your eyeballs tingle. I’m not sure which category this interview falls under. You be the judge:
What do you think about health care? Would you take the public option?
“Have you ever heard me play guitar? I’m really fucking good. You know what I’m bad at? Answering questions about public health care. This is not in my wheelhouse. Do you have any questions about music? I almost got a mad need to lighten up. You need to lighten up, because the questions you asked me were all trouble-making questions. If someone gave me the Nobel Peace Prize, and I didn’t deserve it, I would just shut my mouth and enjoy the hell out of it.”
Which I’m sure he’s doing.
“What’s he going to do, send it back? It’s like I’m getting a wrongful bulge in my pants and everyone’s thinking I’ve got a nine-inch cock. I’m not going to argue with them, I’m going to let them think I have a nine-inch cock.”
How about a style question?
“Yes, this seems to be apropos. Do you get paid for this?”
I do it more for fun.
“You do this for fun? That’s like me saying … never mind.”
What do you think about guys with seventies mustaches?
“I don’t give a fuck about who wears their face what way. If I could grow a beard, I’d have some nutty things going on on my face.”
You can’t grow a beard?
“It’s a pituitary thing. I know you’re not that much of a moron.”
These are questions my editor wanted me to ask. I’m trying to build my journalistic career here.
“You’re not building a journalistic career. You’re making yourself look like a moron and you’re not a moron. Who’s your editor?”
“Jada is making you sound like a moron in front of people.”
Why don’t you tell me about your new album? You’ve been in the studio for a while.
“I have a record coming out November 17.”
Any particular theme or inspiration behind this one that makes it different from previous albums?
“Look what we’re doing right now! We’re connecting right now! This is great! Yeah, it’s going to be quite melodically bright, but the themes are all about heartbreak.”
How is that different? Haven’t you written a lot about heartbreak?
“I think most artists do, but this is really breaking into the theme of it as a concept.”
Is there hope behind the heartbreak?
“The melody is the hope. The lyrics are the heartbreak, the melody is the hope. If you have the lyrics being the heartbreak and the music as the heartbreak, your editor made you ask stupid fucking questions! You’re standing in front of me acting as if these questions are fair, but now we’re talking about something real. So there was stuff I wanted to put on the record that just didn’t fit the concept. So the next record will have that concept.”
“More political things, worldly things.”
“Nothing rhymed with public option.”
You don’t always have to rhyme, though.
“I’m going to forcefully sodomize your editor.”
On that note, here’s some pictures of possible butt rapist John Mayer leaving a salon after getting his mop cut.