Captain Obvious Says Lindsay Lohan Needs Help

October 6, 2009 / Posted by:

According to Michael Lohan, his daughter Blohan is in a bad way and is on the path to complete destruction. Instead of tying her to bed and getting Daddy Spears to perform an exorcism on her (using cheese grits), Michael ran off to Radar.

Michael said that right after he’s done making money off of her by barfing all the details of her problems to the media, he’s going to help her. Michael queefed, “I’m going to get her off the prescription drugs that she’s on. I hate it when people talk about illegal drug abuse… because it’s not just drinking and illegal drugs that kill you. Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson.

Michael wouldn’t say what kind of pills she’s addicted to, but went on to say that they are ruining her life, “You know why Lindsay’s not acting in feature films right now? Because she can’t. Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that’s grown because of the prescription drugs. She can’t be herself. When you hug her she’s like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way-in a bad way. She’s a different person. I was out there for a week when she was living at the Sunset Marquis Hotel and I would sit there and cry. It was horrible. This was not the kid I raised. Whoever the people are that came into her life and convinced her otherwise should be thrown in jail, because they’re the same type of people who are responsible for the deaths of Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson and DJ AM. Everything was fine in our family until Dina and I got divorce. And that’s when all the kids’ lives started to unravel… including Lindsay’s.”

Michael Lohan is a true poet. Now I can understand why LiLo’s eating pharmacies whole, because just reading his words makes me want to feed from one of Paula Abdul’s nipples.

And the biggest fungus in her life goes by the scientific name of Michael Lohan. You heard the man, throw his ass in jail!

While Michael was singing and dancing to Radar, his daughter was in Paris partying it up with Busta Rhymes.

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