Three weeks ago, David Letterman got into his car and noticed that there was a mysterious package on his seat. When he opened it, it wasn’t anything good like a hard-to-find box of Jello 1-2-3 or a glossy nude 3D picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. No, it was a letter from someone threatening Dave to hand over $2 million or he’d spill his “creepy” bedroom secrets which included fucking some of his staffers. The extortionist (that is so going to be the name of a future CBS show) claimed he would use the information to write a movie and a book. UGH! Remember the old days when bitches just used to sell that kind of information to the tabloids or simply post it on the internet? Nowadays bitches are always trying to get a 3-picture deal out of something. Hollywood!
David immediately shuffled off to the District Attorney’s office in Manhattan and told them someone was trying to blackmail him. The D.A.’s office investigated the threats and then cut a fake check for $2 million in which they gave to the extortionist. The extortionist should’ve realized something in the milk wasn’t clean when the check was oversized and came with a bunch of balloons. But something tells me the extortionist ain’t got the smarts in the brains.
The dude was arrested yesterday morning and Dave had to testify in front of a grand jury. Dave admitted that what the extortionist was claiming is true. He has done sexy times with some of his staff members (PAUL, HOW COULD YOU?!). ESCANDALO (not really).
Dave confessed to it all on his show last night. It was a little awkward, because the audience kept laughing like a laugh-track on loop, and because Dave just got married last year to his ladyfriend of 23 years. They have a kid together.
The extortionist has been identified as Jay Leno. No, the extortionist is 51-year-old Robert Halderman, an employee of 48 Hours and the boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt. Stephanie is Dave’s assistant and she reportedly had an affair with him years before he was married. They have since stopped bumping nasties in the copy room at midnight. That’s what Radar says anyway.
So that’s that! The truth is, people fuck their co-workers. It happens. I fuck on my co-workers all the time (Fun Fact: I only work with myself. WINK). Dave getting down with his employees probably isn’t the best move, but it’s not like he did anything horrific like kick a kitten or mooned a baby. Dave simply put his peen in someone’s vagina. Maybe his wife was cool with it. Maybe she wasn’t. I’m sure we’ll find out.
The bitch I’m really mad at is the extortionist. Dude owes all of us $2 million for forcing us to think about Dave’s sweaty prune nalgas bouncing up and down on some lady.
And in other news, Sarah Palin just climbed on top of her igloo and shouted, “I CAN SEE DAVE’S ROTTEN CHEATING ASS FROM MY HOUSE! I’M HAVING THE BEST DAY EVAH!”