Shallow Squinty

September 24, 2009 / Posted by:

Squinty Zellweger won’t be going on the KFed diet to gain the chunk for Bridget Jones 3, because she doesn’t want to put her body through all kinds of hell. And because eating gives her hives.

Instead, Squinty will pull a “Fishsticks Paltrow in Shallow Hal” by slipping on a fatty fat fat suit in size: Kirstie Alley. A source told Reveal Magazine (via SFGate), “Renee will be wearing a fat suit in the third film as it took her a while to lose the weight last time. She’s also thinking about the effect quickly putting on and then losing 30 pounds has on her body.

And here I thought Squinty was a true Thespian who eats for her art. Squinty is WEAK. Somebody remove the Oscar from her clenched b-hole, because she does not deserve it!

Can I get a RECAST?! The producers of BJ3 obviously need someone who is will to do whatever it takes (aka EAT like food is going extinct) to accurately portray the character. May I present to my choice to replace Squinty. Here’s the newest breakout star who will take Hollywood (and every buffet from here to Bosnia) by STORM: SOCRATES!!!!!!!!!!

Socrates is the 22lb sensation from the UK who has been chosen as one of the finalists for the PSDA’s Pet Fit Club. Socrates will try to lose 13lbs in just 100 days. But before Socrates picks up the Dexatrim, he has a movie to make!

Seriously, can’t you just see Socrates flirting with Hugh Grant? It’s destiny. AND Socrates is British unlike Squinty. If Socrates isn’t Bridget Jones, I don’t know who is!

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