Because We Really Need A Barbie Movie

There’s really nothing shocking about this since we’ve already been farted on by a Transformers movie and a G.I. Joe movie. So why not Barbie?! Variety reports that Universal Pictures and Mattel have decided to get into bed together and produce a movie starring everyone’s favorite plastic tittied blonde (sorry, Kim Zolciak).

Apparently, this shit will be a live action movie. They are looking for writers now and trying to decide where to take the movie. Lawrence Mark, one of the producers, said, “Barbie may be the most popular girl in the world, and has always been a wonderfully aspirational figure, so we must do her proud.”

All “Why?Why?Why?” comments aside, this could be an Oscar-winning role for a very lucky actress. The Barbie movie could get into some deep shit.

Think about it. It could start off being all about pink corvettes, rubber heels and pearl earrings. Then shit will get serious on Barbie and Ken’s wedding night when they find out they don’t have any goddamn genitals or nipples! Ken and Barbie will try to fuck, but they can’t! Bitches can’t even take a shit! That will fuck you up.

So Barbie and Ken fall into a deep depression which leads them into a dark world of drugs. Barbie and Ken grow more and more hateful towards the world, because everyone else has fuck parts but them. So they pick up strangers in bars promising them a wild night of sex, but what they really get is their genitals cut off by Barbie! If Barbie can’t have a vagina, neither can you!

I’m telling you, Oscars all around!