September 16, 2009 / Posted by:

If we got a $1 for every time we heard about Jon Grosselin rubbing his fat man balloons all over some homely young thing, we’d have enough money to buy out Ed Hardy and burn it to the ground. The latest buthereverything to come forward is former Gosselin nanny Stephanie Santoro. 23-year-old Stephanie tells InTouch (via Popeater) about the night her dignity quit her ass and hitchhiked out of town.

Stephanie said that Jon came on to her first when he asked her to give him a massage. Jon probably got the idea when he saw Stephanie roll the dick out of a piece of dough. If you can knead a mound of butter and flour, you can handle Jon’s body. Stephanie said that the massage led to them kissing, which led to them in the hot tub, which led to you dry heaving in a Styrofoam cup inside your cubicle.

When the two were in the hot tub, Stephanie kept looking at the windows to make sure a member of the child army wasn’t witnessing two pigs go at it in a pot of boiling water. If they did, they would probably whine about how hongray they were for pork rinds and the nanny just couldn’t be bothered with that.

When the kiddies went to sleep, Stephanie and Jon went up to the apartment over the garage where she did things that NOBODY should ever do (aka fuck Jon Grosselin).

After their first act of grossness, Jon kept texting Stephanie to tell her how much he cared about her. Their affair continued and Stephanie said they bumped titties at least nine more times at the Gosselin compound. Stephanie said the sex wasn’t bad, “but it wasn’t the best I ever had.”

The sex wasn’t bad?! Stephanie needs to have more sex. I’m pretty sure sexing up a rusty wrought iron fence would be hotter. Both will give you Botulism in the vagina, but at least the rusty fence won’t constantly send you sappy text messages afterwards.

And not only did Stephanie turn her vagina into a permanent sad face, but she also fucked away her nanny “career.” Scratch that last part. I’m sure Rob Lowe and Jude Law have already requested her services.

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