Keanu Just Wants To Hear The Words: “You Are NOT The Father”

September 3, 2009 / Posted by:

A few months ago, 46-year-old Karen Sala of Barrie, Ontario filed papers in a court claiming that Keanu Reeves fathered at least one of her four kids who are all now in their 20s. Karen asked the court to order Keanu to pay her loony ass $150,000 a month for child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006. Yes, CRAZY is a hell of a motherfucking drug.

I hadn’t heard much from Karen since May, so I figured she got lost on the way to the crackhouse or she was busy writing love letters to murderers on death row (she seems like the type). Well, Karen is baaaaaaack and she’s ready for the truth to be revealed! Karen told The Spec.com that she’s happier than a methhead at Wino’s house, because Keanu has agreed to submit his DNA for testing. Karen said, “It’s great news. Finally, we can get some closure on this. This is not about revenge or an attack on his good character, it’s about closure and getting some peace. This is a personal journey.”

Yeah, a personal journey to KeanuIsNotTheFatherVille – Population: Maury and YOU.

Keanu’s publicist once again said that he claims he has never ever met Karen Sala, but wants to shut the door on the crazy, so he’s willing to take the test to clear his name.

I’m sure if Keanu needs helping extracting the DNA from his peen hole, some of you whores out there will be willing to help him out in the name of JUSTICE. Just make sure you take a Terrence Howard-approved baby wipe to Keanu beforehand, unless you like butter on your sausage.

If Keanu turns out to be the father, I will adopt an Axolotl Salamander and name it Karen Reeves.

And how much do you want to make a bet that when it’s revealed that Keanu didn’t drop one in Karen, she will start claiming that she’s the true mother of Blanket Jackson. Claire Cruise better sharpen her shank, because Karen is totally going to pull that shit.

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