Denise Woodage told a court in the UK that she no longer gets hongray for peen or sausage after witnessing her neighbor Paul Darlow fiddle his dick in his own backyard. 54-year-old Mrs. Woodage said she first spotted Mr. Darlow doing sex to himself back in March of ’08. When she complained to the police about it, they immediately installed security cameras. Note to all: Stop tickling your nipples and no-no in your own backyard. Cameras may be watching.
A few months later, Mr. Darlow was caught flashing his nekkidness again and he was arrested for indecent exposure. Mr. Darlow eventually admitted to the court that he did squeeze his skin tube outdoors, but he didn’t know anybody could see him. The court wasn’t really amused by Mr. Darlow’s pubic display of self-fuckery. They jailed him for six weeks and also gave him a Sexual Offenses Prohibition Order which keeps him from showing off his sex parts to the public. They also put him on the Sexual Offenders’ Register for seven years. YES, all of that for just jacking off in his backyard. AND Mr. Darlow’s wife left his ass after the trial.
As for Mrs. Woodage, not only is she allergic to men and sausages now, but she also has to take anti-depressents. She told the Reading Post, “I am now on anti-depressants and also sleeping tablets – this has really affected me. There are not many houses in this street and there are a lot of children. I would’ve hated for them to see Darlow flashing. I didn’t even know his name when I first saw him but I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. He looks younger than he is and he was well-endowed and really hairy. It has put me off men.”
The men and sausages of the world issued a statement to Mrs. Woodage: “It’s all good, Denise. We were off you years ago.”
I’m joking! The men of the world will be weeping for days, because who wouldn’t want to cuddle in between one of Mrs. Woodage’s chins and slowly brush their fingers through her furbrows? Take a number!
And since she’s off dick and sausages now, she probably should change her last name too since it has the word “WOOD” in it.