You Punched My Dog!

Walking your dog in NYC is a dangerous game! Gerard Butler learned this the hard way when he was taking his pug Lolita (my gaydar went up a notch) out for a stroll in Long Island City, Queens on Monday night. Now, Gerard was walking his pug without a leash which someone should punch him in the crotch bone for (I’ll volunteer). Dogs off the leash always strut up to my dog all bitchy-like, sniff at his private hole and whisper shit in his ear like, “Hahaha, bitch, I’m free and you’re not. Come at me!” They totally say that shit. I can read it with my eyes.

So, like with all stories, there’s two completely different sides to this one. Let’s start with Gerard’s:

Gerard claims that Lolita was minding her own business, walking the stroll, when a greyhound attacked her by biting her twice in the neck. Gerry immediately put Lolita on a leash and started to sashay away, but the greyhound (with his elderly owners) followed them. The greyground tried to snap at that bitch again, but Gerry blocked it. Basically, it sounds like a regular day at The Gosselins.

Gerry’s rep told The New York Post that Lolita spent 4 hours at an animal hospital getting her shit together again. The rep added, “People are so mean. They’re just trying to milk this.”

And now for the other side:

The greyhound’s owners, Fred and Maria Varecka, say that when Lolita and their dog simply touched noses, Gerry freaked out like Christian Bale on a movie set. Gerry kept shouting at them, “That dog should be put down!” When they tried to get away from him, Gerry followed them and kept shouting about how they should send their dog to the glue factory. Fred went on to say, “And he smacked the dog in the head. The dog’s head went into the fence. I was shaking. The dog yelped. I said, ‘Keep your hands off my dog! Why did you hit my dog?’ He didn’t say a word.” When the couple called the cops, Gerry and Lolita (who are the new Bonnie & Clyde) busted out of there. The couple filed a report, but no citations were given. They also claim they aren’t trying to get money out of Gerry.

So who to believe? Lolita the pug? Or Mayfair the greyhound? Those two just need to lick each other’s asses and make-up. It’s how I always handle a fight.

This story screams for the classic “Fuck You Guy” phone prank, so here it is: