Was Michael Jackson A Chubby Chaser?

If you’re ever bored, just come back to this picture and try to count all the chins. That should keep you busy for a few hours. Anyisthatsharonglessinthatpicture, the buxom rosy-cheeked bear all the way to the left is claiming that he was Michael Jackson’s gay lover and soulmate. File this under: Claire Cruise’s new partner in fuckery.

The sessy bacon donut’s (shout out to Top Chef) name is Jason Pfeiffer and he went on over to The Sun to spill his heart out to them. And let me tell you, it was a mess! The Sun’s janitors are still mopping up the lard jelly off the floor. It’s like your memaw’s grease jar exploded! Sorry, I’m getting off track again. Let’s just pucker our ears and listen to Jason’s tale of love with the King of Pop.

Jason, who works for Dr. Arnie Klein, said the sparks started when Michael asked him for a ride one night, “I guess our first ‘date’ was in my car. We went for a drive and were talking and having fun, but Michael had his minders who were ‘nosey’ as Michael put it. We had to make sure we were not caught, and although the date was short as I had to take him home before anyone noticed, we had a great time. I thought nobody else knew, but have since discovered that others did surmise the truth. I’ve lost my soulmate. It’s very hard to describe the loss I feel – but there is something that’s empty in my heart.”

Girl, your heart is empty, because you’ve been yapping for the past few seconds! Stop spewing out words and eat a snack (aka two dozen KFC Double Down Sandwiches)! Your heart will fill back up right away!

Okay, it sounds like in the span of one short car ride, Jason fell madly in love with Michael Jackson and declared him his soulmate. WHAAAA?! Was Michael Jackson covered in fried cheese, bits of chocolate-covered bacon, pie-filling and Bisquick batter, because that’s the only way I can see Jason falling in love with him in the blink of an eye. GIRL STOP!