This headline wrapped me in a pink faux-fur throw, handed me a glass of pink champagne in a pink crystal flute and whispered the lyrics of Brit Brit’s “I Was Born To Make You Happy” in between blowing pink bubbles in my face. This is exactly why I spend 99.9999% of my day skipping through the internet. I feel like I’ve just won Mega Millions.
But pink fluffiness aside, this is a serious and sad story! A dog friend is missing! Brian Dortort of Wilton Manors, FL said that he was at a gay bar called Georgie’s Alibi (no-no explosion #1) with his pet chihuahua Hudson Hayward Hemingway (no-no explosion #2), when a man with Britney Spears’ name tattooed on his arm or neck (no-no explosion #3) asked if he could hold the dog. When Brian turned around, HHH was gone along with his carrying case (no-no explosion #4)
Brian is asking for the public’s help to find little Hudson Hayward Hemingway! Brian says HHH is a 4-month-old Chihuahua about the size of a softball, light-cream colored with a pink belly, pink ears and pink earrings (no-no explosion #5,6,7,8,9).
And now while you’re searching for Hudson Hayward Hemingway (SPOILER ALERT: he ran the fuck away when he got the chance), I need to chase down the mobile clinic that just left the front of my building, because I think I might be having a seizure.