The entire cast of the newest season of Dancing with the Has-Beens was just announced on Good Morning America and once again, the producers mostly got it wrong! There’s no Spaghetti Cat, no Chicken Cutlets, no Maru, no Empress of Lucite, no Rojo Caliente, no Latarian Milton, no Detective La Toya Jackson and not even Kate Gosselin’s possum head! Anytheresnohopeleftintheworld, here’s the full cast. For every name you don’t recognize, take a shot of liquid DayQuil and Tang. Drink up!
Macy Gray – Alien from the planet Uranus who is responsible for turning 1999 into the year that the song “I Try” never left my damn head!
Aaron Carter – The reigning Mr. Meth Face of the Universe!
Kelly Osbourne – Hipster Monchhichi!
Melissa Joan Hart – Former bff of Brit Brit Spears and star of the critically acclaimed masterpiece Holiday in Handcuffs!
Donny Osmond – Annoying person.
Kathy Ireland – Christian lamp shade designer.
Mya – Singer, actress, Broadway d-lister and Ghetto Superstar!
Mark Dascasos – The Chairman of Iron Chef America and the only bitch on this world who truly knows how to introduce a food ingredient!
Ashley Hamilton – The former Mr. Brenda Walsh and George Hamilton’s son. And no, he doesn’t look like a water-damaged leather coin purse…yet.
Michael Irvin – One of the “most successful wide receivers” in the history of the NFL. FYI: Tommy Girl is one of the “most successful wide receivers” in the history of everything.
Tom DeLay – Former house majority leader. Whatever that is.
Natalie Coughlin – Olympic swimming gold medalist.
Joanna Krupa – Model/actress.
Debi Mazar – Hot bitch.
Chuck Liddell – An Ultimate Fighting Champion star.
Louie Vito – A famous snowboarder-type.
I had to Google half of these bitches for a clue! I mean, even OctoMommy’s uterus is more famous than some of these hos!
However, there are a few brights spot. I’m hoping amazon Macy Gray is the one who will slip, fall and crush Mop Head. Speaking of, who do you think Mop Head will use her black magic voodoo powers on first? My guess is MYA. Bitch better sleep with a Swiffer under her bed if she knows what’s good for her.