You Can’t Replace The Great Billy Mays!

Who else can sell you a useless piece of shit you don’t need (but you really do need it) while making your ears slowly curl into your head? There is only one master of the SHOUT and that is the late and great Billy Mays! He cannot be replaced….. But apparently, the dumb whores at Media Enterprises think Billy can. Stick a piece of Mighty Tape on my b-hole and pull it hard, because this is not right.

TMZ says that a nationwide search for “the next Billy Mays” will start August 19th in Tampa. They say that Billy’s precious bearded mug will remain on the products, but they are looking someone to sell it to the masses on late-night infomercials. Specifically, they want someone to pitch a new product called “Mighty Sponge.” It’s a sponge so mighty that it can soak up 2 liters of coke or the blood of a hooker (I’m looking at you Vince).

Why do I predict that emergency rooms will soon be filled with dumb skanks who almost made themselves mute from trying to recreate Billy’s signature rasp by gargling with thumbtacks?

Okay, okay, okay. If they really have to do this, let me make a few suggestions:

1. Paula Abdul – Bitch needs the money and back alley pharmacists don’t work for free.
2. Fishsticks Paltrow – Maybe she’ll go mute from trying to replicate Billy’s voice (fingers crossed)?
3. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper – Because our (aka my) TV screens need more of him.
4. Phoebe Price – She won’t have to say a word. She’ll just have to pose with the product and everyone (aka just me) will be SOLD!
5. STAINS – Because he can sell lucite to Shauna Sand just by hypnotizing her.