The Photoshop Awards: Jon Gosselin On InTouch

This terrifying photo of Jon Gosselin on InTouch is even making Shiloh sad. SAD SHILOH. Think of the messiahs!

It looks like they lazily sprayed Jon’s face with a caramel frosting mist, stuck some swap meet-bought contacts into his eyes to cover up the blood shotties and then finished him off by dabbing his lips with Saaphyri’s Lip Chap mixed with the thick tears from his nutsack. The end result is even making Kate Gosselin’s possum head flash the sign of the cross while hissing in fear.

Anytheyshouldveshoppedabiggernutsackonhim, Jon also gave an interview to InTouch where he says Kate QUIT his ass and Hailey is the only trick he’s banging on the regular. Here’s some highlights. And by “highlights,” I mean “grosslights.”

Why did she want to break up?
I think she initiated the split because she wanted a career. Maybe I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and she was going to move on regardless. I said, “Are you sure about this?”

Did you want to work it out?
Yes, I asked, “What do I have to do to mend the relationship? What did I do wrong?” I was beating myself up about it. So I read a lot of books about personalities, like The Five Love Languages. Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn’t want to. She said, “If you have a problem, go fix it.”

When did you and Kate start living separate lives?
We went to Utah on January 1. On January 12, she flew back with security and I stayed. That’s when I started to just hang out and meet people, and feel free. Not too many girls, just with my guy friends. I couldn’t do that for nine years. When I came back on the 17th, Kate and I weren’t talking. So I just said, “I’m moving out of the house,” and that was it.

What was your first relationship?
Hailey — it started around May. She is the polar opposite of Kate. It’s really different. I feel good about myself and people see my good qualities. I’m not being put down. If I want to go out with my friends, Hailey says, “Oh, go out.” I’m not used to that. I was used to, “No, no, it’s your fault.” Sometimes I ask Hailey permission, like I used to do with Kate, and she says, “You don’t have to ask permission.” I was used to living like that, and now it’s like a breath of fresh air. You can have a balanced relationship but also spend time with your friends.

How did you fall in love with Hailey?
We started talking and got along well. I started getting really attracted to her, like, on the phone. She really listened to me and took in what I was saying. Then she came back to her parents’ house in May and I went up to see her. We hit it off. It was great. She is amazing.

Kate Major said she was dating you.
I felt like, “Okay, I have a cool new person in New York and we can just go out for dinner.” Then it was a conflict of interest with her work. I have always been true to Hailey.

When will you introduce Hailey as your girlfriend to the kids?
I think it would have to be after the divorce is finalized. I can’t just show up with Hailey. I think we all need a little routine in our lives. Right now, it’s helter-skelter. Once there is a routine, we’ll start off slowly, like going out to dinner. We are dealing with eight different personalities, and they will each handle it in different ways. They may never be comfortable.

Jon, please borrow on of your kids’ old binkies and go bawl by yourself in the corner. This whole “wah wah wah” act is about to expire. Yes, Kate is the cunt of all cunts, but nobody puts a gun to his crotch and made him stay for so long. Actually, maybe she did. I wouldn’t put it past her.

And I hope Jon introduces Hailey to his child army soon rather than later. Because I can’t wait for the very special episode of Jon H8s Kate where Hailey shows the children how to make a bong using an apple during craft time. YAY!