Gold Digging FAIL

August 2, 2009 / Posted by:

This is the most hurtful, disturbing and ridiculous news I’ve heard all morning! 24-year-old Kristin Hardy has officially divorced her 85-year-old BILLIONAIRE husband, because he wanted to fuck every minute of the day. Get our your abacuses, class! It’s math time: 85-year-old heart + billions of dollars + copious amounts of Viagra + overexertion = AN EASY MARK! Why must I cry?

Joe Hardy, the founder of 84 Lumber, and Kristin were married in 2007 (after dating for a few months), but split up only 3 months later. Kristin says that the marriage immediately went south when Joe gave her a list of things she had to do.

Joe wanted her to spend more time with him and less time with her son from another relationship. Joe demanded that she not text message in front of him, walk around the house in sessy lingerie and give him sex whenever he wanted it. Kristin told The Mirror, “I just could not believe what he wanted me to do. He’d lean over while we were watching TV and grope me. That’s not how married couples behave. He expected a feel of tit whenever he wanted, French-kiss him constantly and parade around the house in sexy underwear.”

The day after she got the list, Kristin left Joe and went to live with her mother. According to the pre-nup she signed, if Kristin walked away from the marriage, she’d get a box full of NOTHING.

Kristin, who is now engaged to a 28-year-old IT consultant, said she married Joe for love and not for money, “I did not marry him for his money. People were calling me a gold-digger but that could not be further form the truth. I married for love and it is as simple as that.” STOP! STOP! STOP! PUT IT DOWN! I can’t listen to this anymore. You are hurting me, Kristin! Don’t make believe that there’s people out there with morals and self-respect. I’m not listening anymore….lalalalalalalalaaaa!

Okay, Joe sounds like a regular Creepy McGrossyOldHands, but what did Kristin expect!? She married a man old enough to be her grand pepaw after only dating him for a few months. It’s not like they were the second coming of Brit Brit & Chester Cheetah (the love affair of our time). If only I was in Kristin’s life, I’d tell her ass what to do.

All she had to do was tie Joe to the bed, spoonfeed him a delicious Viagra and caramel square shake, blindfold him, stick a vibrating rubber vagina over his geriatric peen and then take her kid shopping for diamond-covered toys. Rinse and repeat.

And if Kristin is truth-telling and really married an 84-year-old billionaire for love, then homegirl needs ten lifetimes of therapy. Marrying a creepy old man for money = SANE. Marrying a creepy old man for love = CERTIFIABLE.

(Thanks Soraya)

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