I was finally able to exhale last night, because the pieces of hot trash from The Real Housewives of Atlanta came back into my life!!!!!! AND HOW. Those bitches are still lying face first in the dumpster and I loved every minute of it. Let’s start with Sheree’s semi-staged bitch battle with the TOP LEVEL EXECUTIVE (better than a businesswoman) at Party City or whatever the hell name of the company is that was helping her throw her My Super Sweet Divorce Party.
It all started when Sheree flipped her dick because TLE wasn’t following through with any of her party requests (i.e. – a helicopter entrance, a rhinstone encrusted peen tucker, a low budget version of Maya Angelou). When the two took out their cunt swords, I immediately started taking notes! If I’m ever a TOP LEVEL EXECUTIVE (the first time I’ll ever be a top anything) at a party planning store, I need to know what to say to a bitch who is not respecting my top. Normally, when a stupid ho is not respecting my top, I challenge the bottom bitch to a dance off. But I’ve learned from TLE that I need to drop the “fuck” word every five seconds, wave my hands like I’m trying to put out a Tommy Girl butt flame and end the meeting by dismissing the client with “YO MOMMA IS A BITCH.” Works for me!
You know, I’m a little disappointed with Sheree. The woman is built like a Doberman Pinscher on internet-bought roids, so I was expecting her to pounce on TLE and bite his fancy hanky out (the key to all his cunt power)! Or at least call up her old friend DeShawn (Never Forget) and sic her lock jaw on TLE’s mouth! CLAMP and done!
The best part of the whole cunt battle royale was when the office dude closed the door in the middle of the fight. Dude didn’t even try to break it up by turning the hose on them or shooing them out of the building by screaming “DIGNITY IS HERE!” Nope. He just quietly closed the door. I bet this happens often. I bet his official job title is: Bottom Level Door Closer.
And because any RHOA post isn’t complete without a sprinkling of coagulated wig glue, let’s move on to Kim Zolciak. Kim had a little visit with her usual fortune teller who told her that she’s going to give birth to a baby boy very soon. Hey, everyone! You know that party for Sheree’s divorce? Let’s turn it into a Earth Divorcing Humanity Party, because if another baby passes through Kim’s merkin curtain, it’s time to call it a day!
Now I leave with you with this clip of Kim bouncing through a beauty school to do research for her new wig line for white women (Since when is Raquel Welch chop livah?!) Kim claims she’s never seen a curling iron like that before, but I’m sure that curling iron has never seen an actual living breathing creature that looks like Kim Zolciak. So they’re even!