Candy Spelling Needs A Hobby

July 26, 2009 / Posted by:

A little while ago, Tori Spelling invited her mother to her daughter’s 1st birthday party. Candy never met her granddaughter, so Tori thought this might be a good time. Candy turned that shit down, because cameras from Tori’s reality show were going to be at that party. Candy already queefed about it to the media a zillion times, but she’s not done. Oh no. Porky Pig’s long-lost twin sissy slithered into her letting writing room and punched out an open rant which she *exclusively* gave to TMZ. Yeah, so the next time your mother tells you off under her breath in front of everyone at Thanksgiving dinner, just be thankful that your mother is not Candy Spelling.

This is the ball of farts the over-aged lunatic wrote. Sprinkle a little Pepto dust in your eyes, CLUE LIGHTS and read on:


I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn’t match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it’s the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori’s, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter’s first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I’m sure its delivery will be on next week’s episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won’t like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn’t how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed “yes,” I didn’t realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter’s reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don’t read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying “she’s late.” I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.

She goes on to blab more, but this is the gist of it.

When even TMZ stops publishing Candy’s ridiculousness, she’s going to have to shout her rants on Hollywood Blvd. like an authentic crazy person does. I can’t wait for that day to arrive.

And this almost made me feel a little bad for Tori, but then I remembered how her soul-bruising acting skills pretty much ruined The House of Yes for me……

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