Jessica Simpson Has Shitty Birthdays

This year, Jessica Simpson opened a beautifully wrapped gift from Tony Romo only to find a gigantic pink slip inside with the words “YOOZ DUMPD, HAPPEH BIRFDAYS” written on it. A few birthdays back, Jessica got an even worse gift.

Some source (aka Papa Joe using a voice changer) told Page Six, “Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn’t go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him — it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, ‘being with him.’ It was so sad.”

It doesn’t surprise me that John Mayer would give himself a wet handjob as a birthday gift to someone else. It also doesn’t give me the shocks that Jessica’s dumb stupid ass wouldn’t realize that a used tampon out of John’s ass would make a better gift than that shit! Why does Jessica Simpson have to act like Jessica Simpson?! Bitch needs to eat more fish.

And Jessica probably didn’t think it was weird when Papa Joe gave her edible panties, a web cam and a gift certificate to “Papa Joe’s House of Bikini Waxing.”