The Keeper Of The Unicorn Forest Is A Pro At Sexy Times

July 13, 2009 / Posted by:

One of RPattz’s ex-girlfriends tells the National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) that the sparkly vampire is so good at boning that he made her toe nails have an orgasm. Basically. Would we expect anything less from the dude who has the power to make a Twitard’s clitoris go into an epileptic seizure with just the wink of an eye? Or can create enough extra-chunky butterscotch panty pudding to keep the Jello factory in business for years just by licking his lips?

The “ex” said, “We just had this chemistry between us that made our kisses amazing. I’m really passionate, as is he. That’s why, no matter how much we fought, it was always amazing in bed! We’d glance at each other throughout the night because it made it more exciting when we got home. The tension was so strong, we couldn’t control ourselves. It was amazing!

Um. The “ex” forgot to mention the part about how one of her family members had to turn the fire extinguisher on her snatch after it caught on fire from her humping RPatt’z real doll so hard. Because that’s what she was having “AMAZING” sex with. Seriously, this shit was copy and pasted from the MySpace page of some crazed horny Twitard.

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