The Eiffel Tower was extra sparkly last night, because Shauna Sand clicked her exquisite lucite heels three times and was magically transported from Los Angeles to France! The Empress of Lucite was there, because President Sarkozy realized he made a major mistake by marrying Carla Bruni and asked Shauna to be the new First Lady of France. The true First Lady of France. It’s what history intended. NO! The Empress of Lucite was in the city of lights, because her estranged husband Romain (the beauty hater) is on the French version of Big Brother called Secret Story.
While in the house, Shauna’s ex has been slapping his buttery skin baguette all over Angie, a ho some bitches think is a Shauna look-alike. I’m sorry, but if the angels don’t weep when you pucker your lips and mortal men don’t kill themselves when you don’t glance their way, you cannot be compared to The Empress of Lucite. No way.
Shauna was there with her new boyfriend, Antoine (who may or may not be a 4-year-old weasel with bad mange), to tell Romain that she has moved on. And Shauna tells him this in fluent French!!!! You haven’t really heard the French language until it has passed through Shauna’s elegant lips. I think every French speaking slut immediately went mute, because they knew they could never make the French language sound as eloquent or beautiful as Shauna does. It’s like I’m gently being butt fucked by a croissant. Pure poetry. Somewhere in heaven, Victor Hugo just cut off his tongue.
Below is a translation from my friend Chloe of Shauna’s conversation with Romain:
Host: Do you hear me? Romain, Angie, hello again!
Angie and Romain : Hey!
Host: Oh, you’re cute! I’ve got someone special to introduce you to. She wanted to talk to you. She made a long travel. She comes from LA.
Romain: Ooh la la!
Angie: Gosh! She looks like me!
Shauna: How are you?
Romain: Fine and you?
Shauna: Fine. Are you having fun?
Romain: Yes it’s nice, and you?
Angie: She looks like me (Ed. note: Bitch, slap yourself for that!)
Romain : It’s huge
Angie: I thought it was me… modified! (Ed. note: BITCH, stop it now!)
Shauna: Yes I’m having fun!
Romain: It’s cool then.
Host: Shauna made the trip from LA to talk to you and to make up with you. She has something to tell you tonight
Shauna: Yes, i wanted to introduce you to Antoine.
Romain: I know him, we already met.
Angie: Hey Shauna, I’m glad to meet you.
Shauna: Me too. Pleased to meet you, Angie.
Angie: You’re beautiful.
Shauna : You too.
Romain: I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend, Angie.
Host: So everything is ok. I’ll let you gather around for a nice dinner! Thanks for coming to France. Thank you Shauna. Thank you Antoine!
Unfortunately, Shauna did not destroy Angie by simply flipping her hair. No. Shauna has the heart of a million Care Bears, so she would never do that. She couldn’t even a hurt a fly. Even if the fly is the gutter tramp version of her.