Fishsticks Went On A 3-Week Detox, Is Still Full Of Shit

In this week’s edition of Caca Soup For Your Soul, Fishsticks Paltrow tells us how she lost “extra pounds” by completing a three-week mostly-juice detox. Yeah, I don’t know where lost this extra weight, because her mouth is fatter than ever. Here’s what Fishy had to say:

As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing. And don’t forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.

Hey, Fishy, I asked my doctor (aka my dealer) and he said that you should take two doses of STFU-PM and call him in the morning. Okay, okay, I’m being hard on Fishy as usual. She’s just trying to make the world a cleaner place, but she’s really just making it a shittier one. LITERALLY. I mean, have you been on one of those detoxes? Your butt will turn into Niagara Falls. It will be a 24-hour feces party! It’s not pretty. And there’s a good chance your asshole will go raw and fall off. Nobody wants to be without a b-hole. Trust.

I tried to do that mess once, because my friend’s daddy told me he did it for like 3-months and he started shitting out shiny mercury. Maybe he was pulling my nipple (not like that), but I wanted silver to come out of my ass too (it’s the closest I’ll get to butt sex with Anderson Cooper), so I gave it a shot. NEVER AGAIN. I nearly died after 12 hours. I have never wanted a greasy cheeseburger so bad in my life. I was so tempted to eat the paint off the walls with hot sauce. Before the day was through, I had consumed 2 McDonald’s #1s. FAIL.

Fishy doesn’t even give you the details for the detox. It’s just a forum for that doctor dude to sell his crap inducers. If you want to feel like you’ve just gone on a three-week detox, just read the entire newsletter. All your insides will fall out of your butt.