Okay, okay, Jessica Simpson’s version of the National Anthem didn’t make bald eagles bawl or try to peck out their own ears, but I’m sure they shed a few tears. My ear holes sure fucking did.
The chili cook-off chanteuse almost busted her dress open while singing at the AT&T National Golf Tournament in DC yesterday. There’s no need to shout when you’ve got a microphone in your hand. You are not honoring Billy Mays by doing that, so just quit it.
Jessica’s “sober pig getting circumcised with a nail clipper” yodel probably held the game up, because all of the holes on the green closed up during her performance. But you know Papa Joe’s hole only widened while he watched Jessica’s blow job faces (and her PJ-approved nipples).