The Real Housewives Of NJ: Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?

June 17, 2009 / Posted by:

THE BOOK!!!!! The book was the surprise dinner guest during last night’s season finale of The Real Mob Wives of New Jersey. But where did the book come from? I don’t mean in general. I just mean how did it get to the dinner? When Danielle showed up, she only had a purse the size of her twat. Did the book fall out of Teresa’s hair? Did Grandma Wrinkle (who we all know secretly hates Dina) disguise herself as a waiter and slip the book to Danielle while serving appetizers? I guess it doesn’t really matter that the producers stashed it under the table how the book got there, because if it didn’t show up, the staged battle between evil and evil-er would’ve never went down!

What is the big deal about that stupid book anyway? Why does Danielle care if everyone knows she’s a former coke-shoveling PROSTITUTE WHORE? You can already tell just by looking at her beautiful face. She’s like one of those magic eye posters. If you stare at her long enough, the words “PROSTITUTE COKE-WHORE KIDNAPPING STRIPPER SLUT” will appear before you. It’s a badge of whore honor if you ask me. Danielle didn’t see it that way and she wanted to get revenge on Dina for leaking the book to the whole town. But there was a twist! Dina’s sister Caroline revealed that she’s the one who exposed the book! Why did this start playing in my head when Carline stared at Danielle and said, “Look into my eyes, because I’m the one who told everyone.Marlon Brando in a ginge wig, is that you?! Dina was missing a fluffy cat and a roaring firing place behind her. It was thick. And instead of putting a horse’s head in Danielle’s bead, Caroline put a mirror.

I was seriously waiting for Danielle to shout, “I may be a PROSTITUTE WHORE with sperm eyebrows, but you’ve got hundreds of bodies underneath your kitchen!” That probably wouldn’t have been a smart move, because then Danielle’s precious eyebrows would’ve been covered in concrete at the bottom of the East River. Danielle didn’t have to go there, because Jacqueline faced the wrath of the Manzo sisters and stood up for the PROSTITUTE WHORE (that will never get old). Jacqueline tried, but it was like watching a 6-year-old get the angries. I just wanted to give her a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar, pat her on the head and then tell her to go play with her dollies.

So where was Teresa in all of this?! Bitch was simmering. The crazed ape inside of her was waiting for its cue so that it could flip a bitch. In this case, the bitch was the table. That shit came out of nowhere! I thought her Planet of the Apes hairline was going to jump off and run for the nearest zoo. Wasn’t she afraid that her new plastic bubbies were going to explode all over the place?

You know who needed to be flipped, though?! TERESA for being dumber than an empty can of tuna! What kind of stupid bitch throws a housewarming party at a fucking restaurant?! It wasn’t a restaurantwarming party. It was a HOUSEwarming party. Hey, everyone! Come to my housewarming party at Applebee’s!

In the end, Jacqueline’s husband gave a beautiful speech about acting like adults…fart..queef…blah..blah..blah. Then Don Vito Caroline turned to Jacqueline and said, “You know who you’re hurting? My parents.” Give it a fucking rest, Caroline. This isn’t Mickey Blue Eyes.

So everything got resolved, except for the biggest mystery of all: WHERE THE DICK IS DINA’S HUSBAND?

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