LEAVE SUSAN BOYLE ALOOOOONE!!!1!!!!!1!!!

The other day I made a joke that Susan Boyle was the second coming of Brit Brit.… Well, it might sort of be coming true, because the cat lady has cracked a bit. Daddy Spears, please get on the next Cheeto jet to London.

The Sun is saying that shortly after Susan Boyle placed second on Britain’s Got Talent, she kind of melted and had to be shuffled off to a private clinic so she can sleep the crazy away. Just keep the hair clippers away from her!

Apparently, Susan wasn’t in a good place before the finale. Crazy doctors were brought in to talk to her. It didn’t help, because she burst into tears backstage right after her performance. Susan was reacting to the audience booing when judge Piers Morgan said she should win. After the show, Susan went back to her hotel room where sources say she was acting strange. So strange that the police and paramedics had to be called.

A witness who saw the whole sad affair said, “When the paramedics and police arrived she agreed to go voluntarily. She didn’t make a fuss. The paramedics calmly took her out through the main lobby and into the waiting ambulance. It was all done very calmly. They didn’t want to stress or upset her. She didn’t look well – she looked lost, not all there.”

A rep for the show confirmed that Susan is in THE CLINIC (dun dun dun). They said she suffered from exhaustion and just needs a few days to rest……. in a padded room…… while wearing a straitjacket.

Susan is too precious and fragile for this ugly cruel world. She should crawl into her bed, cuddle with her cat friend and then sing herself to sleep. When she’s ready, the world will be here ready to embrace the rainbow that pours out of her mouth when she serenades us. And if she ever needs the number of a good “doctor” who can prescribe some good shit to help her deal with the fuckery, she knows where to find me.