The Return Of Susan Boyle

Our current reigning Hot Slut of the Month, Susan Boyle, returned to the Britain’s Got Talent stage last night with freshly pruned brows and a new luscious mop on her head. Since Susan is the most famous cat lady in the world, it seemed fitting that she sang “Memory” from Cats! I’m sure that every Sunday afternoon, Susan dresses up as Grizabella using hairballs coughed off from her cat and waltzes around singing this in her home. At least, I should hope so.

At first, Susan sounds like an old car engine trying to start on an ice cold morning, but then she kicks herself in her vocal chords and out comes the dazzling hummingbird voice that everyone on the planet fell in love with. It’s no shock that Susan was voted on to the next round. Even if she ate live babies on stage, she would still make it to the finals. Susan can do no wrong and don’t you try to say otherwise! If you don’t stand or shed a single tear when Susan serenades you, a place card with your name on it will suddenly appear at the grand dining table in HELL.

And that wasn’t a strobe light at the end of her performance. That was God himself beaming through her!