Can They Be Thrown Off The Planet Already?

A million cheers to the captain of the yacht who threw Parasite Hilton and her latest victim off the boat for endangering passengers with their public displays of infection. He is a fucking hero to us all!

The Mirror says that Elton John’s fupa fluffer, David Furnish, invited Wonky and Doug Reinhardt to a party on a friend’s yacht in Cannes the other night. Almost immediately after they got on the boat, Wonky and Doug started doing disgustingly gross shit that made stomachs die.

One source who lived to tell the tale said, “As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug’s throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn’t care who was looking. They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. Everyone congratulated the captain.”

I’m guessing Wonky’s presence on the boat was a bigger problem than the witness is making it out to be. Wonky’s crotch crustaceans probably ate most of the food. And the food they didn’t eat, went rotten once Wonky brought her tongue out. Every drop of alcohol evaporated when Wonky opened the gates to HELL. Not to mention the poor sea creatures living in the waters below. They probably committed mass suicide once they spotted Wonky. They knew that if something should happen and Wonky fell in the water, they would die a slow and painful death from being directly exposed to her lethal snatch sludge. It’s better to be safe than really, really, really sorry.