The Screams Of Ten Million Tweens Just Made The Angels Go Deaf

May 23, 2009 / Posted by:

If Google kept crashing on you all through last night, that’s because zillions of crazed Twitweens were feverishly searching for pictures to print out of that skankwhorecunttrampslutbitchanallover (their words, not mine) Erika Dutra. They gathered around their parents’ Weber grill in the backyard and held a chanting ceremony where threw her pictures into the fire (along with a pack of Camels) while wishing that her vagina closes for LIFE. That’s because Erika was spotted “canoodling” with a sparkly vampire we all know as Robert Pattinson at a party in Cannes. If I was the President of Hot Topic, I’d send a rush order of “DIE ERIKA DUTRA DIE” t-shirts to all stores. This could save the entire economy.

RPattz is reportedly slapping his glitter wand on his co-star Kristen Stewart, but he didn’t seem to have a care in the world when he was licking on Erika. A witness-type told Life & Style, “Erika was introduced to Robert by a mutual friend at the beginning of the night and he was smitten with her from that point on. He took pictures of her, sat with her all night, and the two of them were even seen kissing! There was serious chemistry between them, and they looked like they were having an amazing time. Erika and Robert even left the party together!

So Skankika (again, their words not mine), rode that unicorn horn all night? To quote a philosopher named Oda Mae Brown: “Erika, you in danger girl.”

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