Who Won American Idol?

I know you were hoping that when Tatiana Del Toro came back to American Idol tonight, the judges would all fall to her feet and beg for her forgiveness. They would shower her roses and declare that she’s the rightful winner of American Idol. Then Tati would screech like a trillion Glamberaces causing the theater to crumble and crash on all of them. Unfortunately, that’s not how it went down. But see who got crowned the prettiest prettiest boy in all the land. JUMP!

GLITTER LOST!!!!! I could barely hear Kris Allen sing that winning shit song, because the sound of a trillion unicorns crying rang in my ears. Every disco ball stopped turning as soon as Gaycrest announced Glamberace lost! Seriously, the lights on Broadway have gone dark and Las Vegas is shutting down completely for the first time in forever! I blame Bill O’Reilly! Send the rage-filled unicorns after him!

Even my no-no got a little weepy. Shit, even Kris got a little weepy. Maybe bitch felt he was hit in the peen bone, because he didn’t look that thrilled to win. He was probably confused, because he practiced his “I’ve got the sads, but glad you won” face all night and didn’t know how to pull a “Yay, I won, but sads you lost” face. Good news for Glamberace, though. At least he can flutter the fuck away from that awful song now.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat an entire bar of booze.

P.S. – Beware of Melissa Dawn, because she is totally running the streets nekkid with her head cut off.