It’s time to gargle your private areas with a daily dose of the feminine hygiene product that is John Mayer. This morning, John’s homemade brew has a heaping dose of delusion which will make your ‘gina extra squeaky. Yesterday, John hopped on his Twitter and defended himself to the haters who think he’s the biggest douchebag who ever douched. John is trying to convince us that he’s not a box of Summer’s Eve, but he basically confirmed that he is indeed a platinum card-carrying member of The Big Douche Club with just a few simple posts:
“I love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn’t. Let’s hammer this out today. Long before ‘douches’ and ‘famewhores’ there were these people called ‘showbiz types.’ Showbiz types’ are people who grew up talking to themselves alone in a room for hours until they found some sort of outlet. Once they found that outlet, everything fell into place, except for the fact that they still never worked out why they still talk so much. So you see, though filled with deep emotional voids that can never be filled, Showbiz Types are an important part of our Nation’s tapestry. I’m a Showbiz Type. (cue penny whistle and marching drums) But I am not a douche!! (of 1,090,466, seventeen stand and applaud wildly). That was interesting…I’m off to work. Enjoy the rest of your day.”
Wait. Hmmmmm. Maybe John is right. He looks like he smells like backed-up shit, so maybe he’s a used enema instead of a douche. Glad we cleared that up. And John might also be right about another thing. Take a peek at all the bitches he has dated. I know that #4 is your fantasy girl, so John was speaking the truf. So recognize your hate and deal with it!