Dancing With The Has-Beens: Take That, CHERYL BURKE!!!!!

Wasn’t it a truly magical night? The moon was shining, the sky was clear, the stars twinkled, the angels hummed ever so softly into my ears and a dozen baby bunnies cuddled around me. Okay, none of that really happened, but it felt like it after my arch rival CHERYL BURKE lost Dancing with the Has-Beens. AHAHAHAHAHAH! BLEHEHEHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHEH! AHAHAHHAHAA!!!!!! OHOHOHOHOHO! Victory is sweeeet!

After all the bones she broke from working her black voodoo magic while stirring her cauldron filled with Mop ‘N ‘Glo, the moppy head FAILED!

CHERYL BURKE could taste the win too. In her mind, she poured chocolate sauce, extra whipped cream, three servings of nuts, a dozen cherries, a cup of crumbled Ho Hos and a whole devil’s food cake on top of that trophy, because she was about to eat it up! And then it happened, Tom Bergererereron or whatever his name is read that the winner was that little mouse WHO CAN, Shawn Johnson! When that happened, my Swiffer jumped out of the closet and danced around me. It bowed before me, I took its handle and we waltzed with our no-hearts filled with GLEEEEEEEE. While CHERYL BURKE died inside, we became alive! Dreams really do come true!!!!

And you know that right after the cameras stopped rolling, Mop Head tore off her stupid costume, put on her eatin’ dress, stormed into a Food 4 Less and completely ravaged the frozen dessert section. Not one Breyer’s tub made it out alive!

Gilles Marini might have lost that Dollar Tree trophy, but he’s the real winner last night, because he doesn’t have to see Mop Head’s fugly butt face ever again! When she said to him, “You are my friend for life.” You know he was thinking, “Um. I don’t really enjoy spending my Friday nights franchise restaurant hopping, but I’ll send you a pound cake at Christmastimes if I must.” Frenchie also went home and torched all his mop heads. Just like me, he can never look at a mop again without filling with rage.

And that’s that! Congratulations, to Shawn Johnson! In all honestly, Lil’ Kim and her geisha cat face should’ve won, but at least moppy evil did not prevail this time!