American Idol: Who Will Be Crowned Prom Queen Tonight?

May 20, 2009 / Posted by:

Isn’t that gif the most precious thing you’ve ever seen? I just want to spread my no-no and give birth to it, so I can burp, rock and sing to it. It’s that special. If your nipple holes aren’t singing, then I don’t know what to say to you. So………

Tonight is finally the night where our misery ends and the prettiest girl at the party gets her sash and tiara! So who will it be? The glittery unicorn or the orgasm-faced coffee shop singer? Dial Idol says Kris has a teeny tiny lead, but their asses don’t count text votes and they’ve been wrong a lot of this season. So take that with a grain of tang.

I could see it going either way. They are both very different creatures. Watching Glamberace perform is like getting your salad tossed by a fluttery fairy. Like last night, during his “Phantomess of the Opera” (good call, Simey) performance of “Mad Word,” all that smoke didn’t come from a machine. That shit came from Glamberace’s magic hole! And if he wins tonight, a disco ball will pop out of his head and a chorus of 14k gold-plated elves will dance out of his peen hole. That’s why no matter what happens, he should pack up all his Lip Service jeans and fly over to Las Vegas. The lights may short-circuit when he arrives, but that’s where that bitch belongs. Only his “Steven Tyler getting castrated” screech could be heard over the millions of slot machines in Vegas. And really, his performances would be so much better with an open sundae buffet.

On to Kris…. Kris looks like he just came back from shooting a guest appearance on One Tree Hill where he played the dreamy college dude who can make pussays burst with his acoustic serenading (which he does nightly on the steps of the library). There was a time when I had to take a morning-after-pill after watching Kris’ performance, because I thought his jizz faces were going to knock me up. So I understand why horny tweens would kill their cell phones voting for him. That’s why it’s a total toss-up for me. I could see it going either way.

When they opened up voting last night, why didn’t they have a number where you could call and vote Kara DioSWALLOWYOURSELFWHOLEALREADY off the island?! I’m being serious! That fucking song she wrote for the finale should be the final nail in her coffin! It’s like Michael Bolton’s debut album ate a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and shat that mess out. I just hope that when Glamberace gets crowned (okay, I admit that ho is going to win), Simon covers Kara in lube and makes Seacrest sit on her, so she can disappear forever. That’s my only wish for tonight!

Oh and I have another wish. I hope Glamberace performs “A Change Is Gonna Come” again, but does it like this instead:


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