Dude, Please

May 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Jessica Biel has been drinking way too much ice cold delusional juice, because the dude is going around telling Allure Magazine that she’s too beautiful to get cast in movies. Somebody please take the tampon out of Justin Timberlake’s ass and hit Jessica over the head with it. Bitch has lost it.

Jessica says that she can’t even get auditions, because casting directors can’t get past her mind-boggling beauty. Personally, I think they just can’t get past the giant penis between her legs, but that’s just my guess. Jessica said, “Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt. I’m in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference — but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No. I just want an opportunity. If you don’t like the audition, don’t hire me! But if you don’t want to even see me — that’s hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!

Everything I needed to know about Jessica’s acting, I learned in Summer Catch. True story. But maybe, Jessica has a point. I mean, there’s really no gorgeous actresses working in Hollywood today. Halle Berry? FUGLY! Charlize Theron? GROTESQUE! Penelope Cruz? DON’T MAKE ME CHOKE ON MY OWN BARF DUE TO HER HIDEOUSNESS! Kate Winslet? STAB ME IN THE EYES!

The truth of the matter is, Jessica Biel isn’t getting auditions, because she has the acting skills of a parched crotch berry.

VIA UsWeekly


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