Criss Angel: Dick Bag, Fake Ass And Pussy Thief

While reading this shit about Criss Angel from Page Six, it took me a little while to realize they were talking about an actual cat that goes meow and not about a vagina. I mean, look at the first few lines:

MAGICIAN Criss Angel is accused of stealing Jeff Beacher’s cat. And Beacher, the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher’s Madhouse revue, is threatening to sue to get his pussy back.

I mean, who steals a cat?! I guess that royal douchebag Criss Angel does. Jeff claims that when his father passed away, he inherited the family cat they call “Hamlet.” Jeff was living at the Hard Rock Hotel at the time, so he asked his friend to care for Hamlet until he moved out. A little while later, Jeff’s phone rang and there was a dirty tampon on the other end of the line. It was Criss who told Jeff, “I took your cat. He lives with me now. The cat no longer likes you and The cat and I have become close friends.”

What in the fuckity fuck?! Who wrote that line for Criss? Christopher Guest?! Criss needs to stick his whole fist up his ass (rings included). What an asshole! Hamlet probably thinks Criss’ hair is his long-lost mommy, so he’s totally being tricked!

Jeff is planning to sue Criss for pussy thievery if he doesn’t return Hamlet.

You know, Kate Gosselin should also file a lawsuit against Criss for stealing her signature dead beaver coif.