Madonna IS Marrying Baby Jesus

May 14, 2009 / Posted by:

Baby Jesus’ father, God, has told Brazil’s Who Magazine (via Gatecrasher) that the rumors about his son marrying Madonna are true. I’m not even a practicing Catholic anymore, but I feel like I need to pray for the fuckery I read in that last sentence. SANTO DIOS! Hand me a rosary and light a candle! Get my veil too! The lace one!

God said that they will “marry” in a Kabbalah ceremony in New York. Since it’s not going to be a real marriage, he’s not sure if it’s legally binding or not. The magazine also asked God about the rumors that Madonna was making Baby Jesus take ESL lessons, but he says that’s all just lies. God chirped, “Jesus already spoke English very well before he knew Madonna! I’ve spoken by phone with Madonna – in French, because my English is not fluent – and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person. She is feminine. I don’t feel she is a harsh person.”

If you swallowed your tongue after reading the “feminine” part, you’re not alone. I’ve been trying to pull my tongue out of my throat ever since I read that. Madonna is about as feminine as a T-Rex’s dick.

You know, something in the milk ain’t clean about this Kabbalah ceremony thing. Methinks Vadge is up to something. This isn’t a commitment ceremony, this is a de-nutsack ceremony! And while she’s in there, she’s going to take his peen’s hoody too! Because if you’re going to be knocking it with Madonna long-term, you gotta leave your ballies at the door.

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